The Chinese Bootleg PR firm that had assured us, more than once, that our interview would be emailed to Metallica or read to them in person whilst they were on tour in Asia, dropped t he ball again.
They do quite the business, but real human hair wigs, knock off Les Paul guitars, and the like don't really interest me.
They've also been trying to get me to sell them sulfuric acid and steel lately. Well, after getting them a quote for some H2SO4...
They assured me that we'd get Metallica. So, let's get it on! YEAH-AH!
“James mate, I’m sorry, you are The Table, you are totally The Table, come back, you’ve got to answer these bloody questions from Glacially Musical, oh shit…..”
Glacially Musical: First let me say that it's an absolute honor to interview you guys. Metallica has long been a favorite of mine and an inspiration for this website.
Shit, erm, I mean YEA!!! James Hetfield here...YEA!!!!!
GM: The first topic I want to broach is the loss of Kirk's riffs for the latest album, Hardwired To Self Destruct. How do you feel that affected the album?
Erm….well, they were all shit. No offence Kirk my man, but your contribution was bollocks. Not a single usable riff on an album full of barely usable riffs. YEA
GM: How is this going to be protected in the future?
We’re not even going to bother inviting Kirk to any band practices. YEA
GM: With James being a straight edge in 2017, how do you guys deal with alcohol on the road? It's not like you can ask the venues not to sell beer.
You know you're talking to Tom….I mean James right? Alcohol is a poison that can wreck lives when people can’t control it. Addiction is a painful and destructive thing and don’t really want to talk about it here. . YEA
GM: Metallica has been a long standing proponent of The New Wave of British Heavy Metal, if there was one of those bands you could get to reform and go on tour with you, who would it be?
GM: Metallica has had a long standing relationship with ESP guitars and before that played Gibsons. As a guitar player, I've always wondered why the switch to copies of the guitars you played in the past.
Erm…...one was a bit crap and the other was better. YEA
GM: Because King and the boys aren't here....you tell me....which band do you prefer, King Diamond or Mercyful Fate?
Is King Diamond the one with the hat? If so….not him. YEA
GM: What's the one album that you guys heard and thought, this is the kind of band Metallica needs to sound like?
The Blackening by Machine Head. Death Magnetic was their…..erm….. I mean, OUR failed attempt at that type of album, having toured with Rob and the boys. YEA
GM: What kinds of difficulties does only doing 50 shows a year present to such a large fanbase who craves for your shows?
That’s one a week mate….fucking hell, how many shows do YOU play a week for fucks sake, you prick? YEA.
GM: Now, whose bright idea was it to not be in St. Louis, MO for damned near 9 years?
I’ve no fucking idea what you’re on about. YEA
GM: The Hardwired World Tour stops have had very reasonable ticket prices, how did that come about?
Have you fucking heard it, dog shit mate, need a reason for people to come as we’re not playing all the old, good stuff. YEA
GM: Tell me, in your opinion, who the most important guitarist of all time is?
Al Beau Corden of Allfather, genius….or ME JAMES HETFIELD YEA!!!!
This continues to be a satirical piece. Thank you to Allfather for playing along and for Metallica for not threatening legal action.